Pretending

I know that we’re all human and we all have feelings

But why have I begun to fall for you?

What is this world coming to?

Me falling for a man who treats me like a friend.

Me wanting more but all I can do is pretend.

Pretend that I don’t have feelings for you.

Pretend that you don’t feel the same way that I do.

Why are we doing this to ourselves?

I find myself fucking up and saying shit to make myself feel better.

Meanwhile, it’s clearly hurting you and I see it.

Lord knows that I see it.

But here I go again, pretending to be blind.

Pretending that I don’t want you to be mine.

Wondering if I fucked up for good, this time.

Please just give me another chance.

I promise I’ll do the best that I can to show you what you mean to me.

I’ll show you that it’s okay to feel the way that you do for me.

Show you, that I don’t want to leave.

You get mad and tell me that I don’t know you.

Just give me the chance to get to know the real you.

The you, that’s not trying their hardest to protect themselves.

The you, that knows that I don’t mean any harm.

So, what do you say?

Will you do me the honor of letting me in?

You'll Thank Me Later For This One

Am I in love or is it an illusion?
Am I pretending to love you so that you will love me in return?
What's wrong with this picture?
I don't think I need to be loved that badly.
Love can't really make a sad person that happy.
At the end of the day a sad person is a sad person until they choose to accept happiness.
A lot of us have trouble finding out what will truly make us happy.
Doomed to live inside of that nightmare you call your imagination.
Constantly thinking that everyone is out to hurt you.
So you continue to do fucked up things because you're crying out for attention.
Everybody sees you but nobody comes to your rescue.
They just judge you and chastise you.
Make you feel like you're not worth shit.
As if you needed their help.
You already think that you're not about shit.
When will this all end?
When will you have someone there who will tell you that everything is okay?
They'll tell you that you mean the world to them.
Tell you that you are beautiful and important.
I guess you can't expect that from anyone until you believe it.
No on will ever be there for you like you will be there for yourself.
When everyone is against you, the only person that you have is you.
Love yourself so that you won't go looking for someone else to love you.
The moment you go searching for love outside of yourself is the moment that you open yourself up to a whole lot of pain.
The kind of pain that can be avoided.
You'll thank me later for this one.
But when you do, I just hope that it's not too late.

Life As I Know It

I always thought that I had life all figured out. I’ve always made a point to plan ahead. I even had my whole life planned out by the time that I was in High School. Unfortunately, those plans fell through. Every single last one of them. These days I find myself repeatedly listening to “Wanna Be Happy” by Kirk Franklin. E time trying to find hidden clues that would become solutions for my quest to happiness. It never comes. I am not happy and I’ve tried many different things.

                At this point, I’m just trying my hardest not to fall apart. It is has taken a lot out of me. I’ve changed so much within the last year, mentally and spiritually and those are the only things that have gotten better in my life. I’ve become a better person and have learned how to feel differently about situations. But it just so happens that lately, I’ve just been extremely angry. Angry at everyone and everything all because I can’t seem to grab control of my life. I’ve tried so many different things and it just feels like nothing is working.

                Aside from getting my life on track financially, I just want to find happiness. I want to find out who I am and what my purpose is. Find out where I’m supposed to go from here and how can I get to where I belong. I can’t say that I pray but I do believe in God and I do talk to him at times but I feel like I don’t receive clear answers. I know for a fact that I’ve received answers but I just don’t understand them. Why would I be shown things that I do not understand?

                When will my life get better? When will I be able to just smile for days on end. When will I stop going through all of these struggles, one after another? Meanwhile, I have everyone in my ear “It will get better”, “Something better is in store for you”, blahdy blahdy crap crap crap. It would be nice to actually see this stuff happening instead of the opposite always showing face. I just can’t catch a break and it sucks. Man, does it suck. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it but whatever it was, it had to be pretty damn bad. And here I thought that, going to school, getting good grades, being a good child and expanding my knowledge, was going to get me somewhere. Boy, was I ever wrong. I guess, that’s just how I feel now.

                Maybe things will get better one day. Just maybe but who’s to say that I’ll make it there. I honestly feel like giving up sometimes but know that I have a son who needs me. Whether I feel like I’m making a difference in his life or not. I just don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I don’t know if my life will ever get better but I sure do need find out ASAP. I don’t know how much more I can sit here and take. It’s really getting to me. I feel so lost, confused and alone. I don’t want to be that person who struggles their entire life and never gets anywhere. I feel stuck. What do I do? What would you do?

Single Mom, You Are Truly Amazing!

                Being a single mom has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I can say that it has made me a better person. But..... at the same time, it has taken a toll on me physically and mentally.  I never thought that I would be a single mom, and then it happened. I commend all of the single moms out there, especially the ones who struggle with mental illnesses.

                I will say that I have learned a lot about myself and who I am as a person. Regardless of the experiences that I have had, I AM STILL HERE. It’s been a long journey, although my child is only four years old. I have had my moments where I have been suicidal or wanted to just run away and leave everyone and everything behind. Call me selfish but until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you will not understand. I really don’t expect you to, either.

                Every morning when I wake up and see my son, I’m stare at him. I’m still in denial and haven’t accepted the fact that he is here. It’s still hard for me to accept that I will never again, get to be alone and enjoy my solitude. Something that helped me to rejuvenate myself after being around others. I will never again get to go out alone whenever I please. I have a permanent companion attached to my hip at all times. I will miss out on opportunities and I will miss out on enjoying life in my 20s.

                People like to talk about single moms and say things like “maybe you should’ve kept your legs closed” or “you should’ve gotten an abortion”. It sickens me because everyone does not know my story nor am I willing to share it. Had it been that easy, I probably would’ve been in a much better place in life. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to where I was alone and happy with myself. Back to the times where I avoided men at all costs because I knew what they were capable of. It’s okay though, I will teach my son not to be like his father. Not to be like these men who are the scum of the earth and believe things should go their way. Teach him to respect women. Respect their mind and body.

                The worst part is, because I am a single mom, it is also a lot harder to date. Why? Because men don’t take me seriously. They just want to be “fuck buddies” because they don’t want to be with a woman who has a child. Making lame excuses as to why they can’t deal with it. I’m not saying all men are like this but in this generation, it is very rare to find a man that is mature enough to love a woman and her child who isn’t his. I’m not saying that I am mad at men for it. Everyone has their preference.

                It just sickens me to know that there are women out there who have been raped or battered and a child was conceived and she decided to keep it. Now she has to deal with society judging her for being a single mom without knowing her story. Without society caring enough to learn her story. Or some people knowing her story and still blaming her for it. We all have faults but our faults should not prevent us from finding love.

                I’m okay with being alone. It would be nice for me to find someone to love me the way that I should but the reality of it is, it may not happen. Why? 1. I’m a single mom 2. We are living in an age where everyone wants to “have fun” but nobody wants to be serious. 3. I don’t think I can handle dating and constantly being turned down because I have a child. Dealing with men who feel like I am less than because I come with a package deal. And for that reason, I’m not even trying to date anymore. I don’t want to deal with the drama. Besides, I still need to get myself together. Once I do, I won’t even want to be with anyone. I love myself and that’s all that matters.

I will continue to let people judge me based on a decision that I made and felt was right. I actually accepted a responsibility that women go to abortion clinics to get rid of every single day. I feel that it makes me a lot stronger. I had the choice to take the easy route and I didn’t. My son is a daily reminder of what happened to me but it’s okay, I don’t love him any less. I would much rather be a single mom than be a coward. There are women out there who are using abortion clinics over and over again as birth control, but I don’t judge them for it. So why judge people like me for doing something other people chose not to do? I won't say that I enjoy being a single mom at all times but there are moments where I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I have an beautiful and amazing son who irritates the hell out of me sometimes but he is mine. He is one of the smartest kids I have ever met and I'm not just saying that because he is my child. He is on a level of understanding that is beyond his years and it’s frigging awesome to watch him to continue to grow and understand things that most adults cannot. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Why Are We So Afraid To Love? *RANT*

I can honestly say that I grew up never seeing a married couple who actually loved and respected each other. I've seen people who were together out of obligation; whether it was "for the kids", "It's better than being alone", "at least I have a man/woman", being comfortable, settling, etc. etc. It would be nice for me to see two people who are actually in love with each other and want to be together because each person chooses not to live without the other. That person may be the one that makes their world go 'round. But is that healthy?

Today's generation is filled with people who try to portray themselves as inhuman. We pride ourselves on being so emotionless and are so malicious toward each other. It's disgusting. I know, I'm not one to talk because I used to be the same way but I've learned that if I changed the way I felt about love and didn't focus so much on trying not to get hurt by men, maybe that attitude would rub off on others. Of course, I'm still waiting for that to happen.

You see, I've learned to love people for who they are. Love them even if I don't know them and care for them like they were family. I admit, I have my moments where I don't care for people and would like to see them burn in a fiery pit but that's because I have issues lol. And, it's okay. We all have issues of some kind. But I digress. The point is, we need to stop hating each other and start loving each other. The fact that LOVE has become something that is Taboo is so depressing. How can we change it? We can start by being human again. Stop pretending that we are something that we are not. Accept the feelings that we have for someone and express them. What if they don't feel the same? That's okay, there is no law that says they have to. Afraid of looking dumb? To whom?

Let's put our grown-up undies on, band together like the Forty Thieves and start spreading love. It is the only thing that will get rid of all of this hate and fear that we seem to have for each other. We can't truly be happy until we learn to love each other and omit fear from our being. Fear will only hinder us. So tell me, why are you afraid to love?

My Rant On The Dreaded Phrase "I'm talking to someone"

A few days ago, I was on the phone with a friend and he asked if I was "Talking to someone", I told him no and then wondered WTF that even meant. What is the point in this phrase and what does it consist of? Why is it so important to people?

Well, let's see. When I think of "talking" and how people use it, it seems as if it is a childish excuse for people to do everything that couples do without making an actual commitment to each other. These people may still be having sex with others and when the person they're talking to finds out, they get mad because it's technically not cheating. However; this means that some people are not really getting into relationships anymore. They're all just "talking" and pretending to be together. I don't see what the reason is. This is what I've seen growing up in NYC.

A lot of people don't want relationships anymore. They just want to hold on to people so that they will always be there when it is convenient for them. Keeping good people from actually meeting someone that with them. Instead of them being with a Juvenile who needs to put a label on something just to keep the other content enough to be stuck on them.

Then you have the people who say that talking means that two people are interested in each other and are getting to know each other to see if they want to be together or not. I'm pretty sure it doesn't take one or even two years to figure out whether you want to be in a relationship with someone, or not. And if it does, why not just stick to saying you're friends so that you're not placing a bookmark on someone you expect to wait around for you to mature and finally begin dating.

I'm sorry but I do not understand the point. Why am I going around telling people that I'm "talking to someone"? If someone told me that I would ask them if they wanted a cookie. To me, either you're single or you're not. You are friends with the person or you are in a relationship with the person. Just say that you and I are just good friends or something. It's not like it's a lie. When we become bf/gf then we will say that we are boyfriend and girlfriend. It's as simple as that. There is no in between. I will not be telling people that I'm talking to someone. I graduated from HS, how many years ago? Even when I wasn't there, I was not saying that I was "talking to someone". I was either single or in a relationship. And those are the exact terms that I used. No matter how serious it is getting with someone, either you are together or you are not. Until you two take that step and commit to each other, there is not you two. It's as simple as that.

Why not just say that you are dating? Never mind, going on dates is so old fashioned for most people. Some men don't want to take a girl out and get to know her. They want to "Chill" in the house, watching Netflix and have sex. And they wonder why they can't get a girl. Maybe if people started making the effort to actually get to know each other before jumping in the bed together, they would be able to find someone that is worth being with. And I know certain people think that you are with someone just because you're sleeping with them. News flash, sex is not something that will bind your commitment to someone. People casually have sex all of the time and it is just that. Sex, don't make it more than it is or you will get hurt. It sucks but it is the reality of things.

This may be all over the place but I could care less. I feel a lot better lol. If this annoyed you, good for you, take a cookie on your way out to I don't give two fucks land. If you agreed, I know that I'm not alone.

Hard Times

Life is hard sometimes. We may be working out butts off and moving up the latter only to fall off. Forced to start all over only to go back up. Some people stay stagnate and others actually do get back to where they were or better.

A few months ago I lost almost everything I had except for my brand new car (go figure), my life and my son. I'm still trying to go back up but this time will be different. This time I want to find happiness. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed what I did in the past by the company I worked for?!? Not so much.

It has been taking a lot out of me because of my pride. I've been told that things happen for a reason and I need to learn how to work with what I have. "Stop being a spoiled little brat" is the best one. I mean, I know I'm a spoiled brat but that's because I was able to spoil myself when I could. It made me happy. I guess, the reason I lost everything was to teach me an important lesson. Part of it is about finding happiness in something else. 

I have been known to say I have nothing and I'm not doing anything with my life but I now have a job, though it's not exactly something to be proud of, it gets the bills paid. Something I haven't been able to do myself in months. Being forced to ask for help was interesting, I must say. I still refuse lol. I have a very intelligent but annoying son lol. I have a roof over my head, though not mine. I have friends and family members that are supportive. I also have an loving boyfriend who was willing to help me to stay afloat financially. And no, I didn't accept. I did but when it came time for the bill to be due I was so happy to know that I would be able to pay it myself. Saved by the bell lmao. I did thank him and I really appreciated it. Though I was damn near forced to ask. Well I was forced but whatever. Oh, and I have a nice car. I love it. 

I guess that I can say that I am happy now. It's been tough. I've broken down multiple times. The worst was a few days ago. I'm still trying to come back from it. I am trying to remind myself that I will succeed no matter how much it seems like things are standing still. I have to learn that sometimes things workout slowly. Patience is a virtue. Buuuuuut, patience is something I just don't have lol. I'm trying to learn. I'll get it. 

I received a reply about a government job an hour ago. If I am able to obtain an security clearance I know that I'll knock out the interview with no problem. *fingers crosses*