Life As I Know It

I always thought that I had life all figured out. I’ve always made a point to plan ahead. I even had my whole life planned out by the time that I was in High School. Unfortunately, those plans fell through. Every single last one of them. These days I find myself repeatedly listening to “Wanna Be Happy” by Kirk Franklin. E time trying to find hidden clues that would become solutions for my quest to happiness. It never comes. I am not happy and I’ve tried many different things.

                At this point, I’m just trying my hardest not to fall apart. It is has taken a lot out of me. I’ve changed so much within the last year, mentally and spiritually and those are the only things that have gotten better in my life. I’ve become a better person and have learned how to feel differently about situations. But it just so happens that lately, I’ve just been extremely angry. Angry at everyone and everything all because I can’t seem to grab control of my life. I’ve tried so many different things and it just feels like nothing is working.

                Aside from getting my life on track financially, I just want to find happiness. I want to find out who I am and what my purpose is. Find out where I’m supposed to go from here and how can I get to where I belong. I can’t say that I pray but I do believe in God and I do talk to him at times but I feel like I don’t receive clear answers. I know for a fact that I’ve received answers but I just don’t understand them. Why would I be shown things that I do not understand?

                When will my life get better? When will I be able to just smile for days on end. When will I stop going through all of these struggles, one after another? Meanwhile, I have everyone in my ear “It will get better”, “Something better is in store for you”, blahdy blahdy crap crap crap. It would be nice to actually see this stuff happening instead of the opposite always showing face. I just can’t catch a break and it sucks. Man, does it suck. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it but whatever it was, it had to be pretty damn bad. And here I thought that, going to school, getting good grades, being a good child and expanding my knowledge, was going to get me somewhere. Boy, was I ever wrong. I guess, that’s just how I feel now.

                Maybe things will get better one day. Just maybe but who’s to say that I’ll make it there. I honestly feel like giving up sometimes but know that I have a son who needs me. Whether I feel like I’m making a difference in his life or not. I just don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I don’t know if my life will ever get better but I sure do need find out ASAP. I don’t know how much more I can sit here and take. It’s really getting to me. I feel so lost, confused and alone. I don’t want to be that person who struggles their entire life and never gets anywhere. I feel stuck. What do I do? What would you do?